I would like to believe that every artist comes to a moment where the existential question of "Who am I?" begins to emerge. What am I really here to create? What am I here for?
Frankly speaking, I feel that the last two decades of my life have been nothing short of complex chapters in a book that I have yet to go back and read to fully understand what's happened or how I got here. Yet here I am... I just closed my first gallery show in Los Angeles, completed my first book signing and I'm back at home with that reemerging question: What's next?
Up until this point, I have worked in collections. I think of "THIS" concept and it'll look like THAT when I'm done. Yet somewhere deep in me, there's an ache to know not only what I have to say to the world through clever puns and pop art, but truly, Who is the artist within me?... as an expression rather than a reflection of my external environment.
This exact question has eluded me for ages. My younger years I spent hating myself. My 20's I spent recovering myself. My 30's I started discovering myself, and now at 37, I'm just tapping on the tip of the iceberg of the soul I call myself.
Most artists have a distinguished style; a recognizable technique that signifies the creator's unique expression. Yet I, since beginning my professional art career in 2014, have not given myself the chance to know this side of me. And, after completing the "Luxury Adjacent" collection; a beautiful yet tediously detailed set of paintings about the sour side of excess, all I want to do is let loose. And yet, simply the idea of it makes me cry.
I wonder what part of me is afraid to be raw with canvas and paint. What is it that feels so vulnerable about a blank wall and no plan? I find myself starting straight into the void of the unknown part of ME. The part of me where all of my pain resides. Where all of my creativity resides. Where my freedom resides.
I have envied the artist who so gracefully allows loose paint to drip onto wherever it's allowed to go. Untamed as I desire to be.
So in this next "collection", which I fearfully announce is not a collection but a journey of self discovery, I shall let myself loose to fall in love with the craft I have caged into boxes up until this point.
What comes next is a mystery even unto myself, but according to my heart, I must now sail into new parts of my inner world. I must find the island within my soul- the Oasis of my true light- and set my myself free for the world to see. No matter in sound or stroke, I must allow every part of ME to be seen-or heard- so that I may leave this world trewly satisfied.
In warrior spirit,
Mantra: "It is safe to share my God given talents with the world" - Debbie Ford, 21 Day Consciousness Cleanse